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Monday, January 30, 2012

What if a storage unit could speak....ok...I know....a little too much...ok...what if it could think?

Questions.....answers....contemplations...revelations....what does a storage unit think?  At first...I was going to ponder the question of a storage unit speaking...and then I realized....THAT'S JUST PLAIN NUTS...A STORAGE UNIT COULDN'T SPEAK!!!!  But in all fairness to the universe and our friends the units themselves....I wonder what they THINK!  I see it like this....we KNOW they can't speak per say (outside of the occasional groaning metals noises and shifting internal building pressure when outer doors are opened and elevators are "elevating"!!)  Maybe we should do like the Ghost Hunter people and set up night vision cameras at facilities with motion sensors and test this hypothesis JUST TO ANSWER THE QUESTION ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!  Finally we could put to rest the minds of those tortured 2-3 souls who KNOW our "A X Z" friends chat it up in the witching hours!!!  But I digress...

Now I used to be a scientist (I guess I still am)...and in all fairness once again to the universe (and scientific dogma)...I don't KNOW that the units can't think!  I can't PROVE or DISPROVE either way that they don't THINK per that being said....I wonder what they THINK.  Now just stay with me on this...the train is going to start moving pretty fast....and ALL the stops before the end are gonna be in far off cities like MADNESS...and CRAZY TALK....and through LUDICROUS the capital of BRIAN'S MIND!

(For the record, Rebecca has NO IDEA I am going down these set of don't judge her SANENESS based on my GENIUS!!!)

I imagine that units start off being born...per say!  You know...when the facility is built!  And start off with a profound sense of lonesome EMPTY feeling that needs to be FILLED for love to take hold.  They think to themselves..."If only I could have a five bedroom set...then I won't be empty inside!  And then the day comes....when the door opens and someone begins to fill them with love!  They probably think how lucky and happy they are!  That sense of excitement....something new....what will I get!  Like a kid Christmas morning...waiting to see what presents are under the tree!!  They probably think...."I hope they have nice furniture!"  Or, "I hope the boxes are well packed and labeled correctly with jewelry, and collectibles, and art work!!!  And as they are filled up....they think to themselves "This is awesome, I now have meaning.....the void is filled....I AM LOVED!!!"

On the flip side.....there is also a possibility that haunts my dreams, and yours as well I am sure!!  The possibility that the door will open, and the poor units EMPTINESS will be filled with debris, junk, unwanted CRAP.....bullshit!!  Bags and boxes of broken glasses and used plastic containers, paperwork, and receipts from chain stores!!!  Furniture that looks like it was plucked out of a scene in Animal House, along with multitudes of outdated and dirty clothes, cloths, and FOOD PRODUCTS!  Oh.....THE HORROR!  Poor units probably think to themselves..."Why....oh why!!!"...."What did I do to deserve such filth!!"  The EMPTINESS is filled with despair and malign influences!!!

And then one day, as the units are resting....lots and lots of people show up at once.  The units must think to themselves....."Why are all these people staring at us?  Our doors are closed, protecting our FILLED EMPTINESS of love/filth from spilling out into hallways.  These people can't see anything...why are they staring?"  And then it happens!  Someone opens the door, the light comes through....and the unit hears something and thinks...."why are they calling out numbers....125....200?"  Someone calls out a 201....even the unit thinks to themselves...."what a bonehead....who bids $1.....DUH!"  But I digress..... what the unit it thinks "Sold....what does that mean?"  The door is closed down...and once again...darkness resumes.  Then within 24-48hrs.....the door opens again.  "Who are these people?  Oh wait....these are the people that had the highest number!  Cool....people are coming into the...WAIT.....what are they doing?  They are taking my love/filth!  WHY?!!!"

Now, in all fairness....if the unit was full of beautiful gorgeous items, I am sure the unit is thinking depressing thoughts!  And a unit filled with filth is thinking with mixed emotions....someone IS removing this garbage....but I will still be empty!......A dilemma to be sure!  Finally, the unit is void, and the EMPTINESS returns....the door is closed...darkness takes hold....and the unit awaits.  "What will I be filled with next?  I like unicorns!!!"

(I had to like the I LIKE UNICORNS part just for's a Storage Heroes thing....I will let her explain the joke someday to y'all!)

So, in a nutshell...that is what I believe that units think...and the other 2-3 tortured souls who KNOW think!  Until next time, when we will discuss the difference between a north pole elf and a south pole elf and how THEY WOULD BUY A STORAGE UNIT, I bid you all a GOOD NIGHT!....;)

(Storage Hero Captain Trash Bag AND resident STORAGE UNIT MIND READER!!!)

REMEMBER...Don't judge Rebecca on my ramblings....respect her for sticking around!


  1. If storage lockers can think, then rocks have feelings Bri.
    -Hippie Stargazer

    1. LMAO!!!! Hippie!!!! Hey! Like any good scientist...unless it can be proven/disproven with absolute certainty....we can't say either way!...;)



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