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Saturday, September 10, 2011

Letters to Garage Sale Customers

Dear too-skinny Blonde girl with the baby,

Yeah, you.  You know who you are.  You showed up at our Garage Sale today at 12:35 with your ridiculous friend in tow and asked me in the most condescending tone "is that IT? That's all you have?"    After I politely explained to you that "we close at 1 and we've already started picking up some of the larger items, but I will be happy to take them out if you'd like to see them,"  you replied in the bitchiest way possible that "your AD says you close at 1, you shouldn't pick the stuff up early if you say you're going to be out until ONE!"   I could have commented on your 96 pound anorexic (or crack, I'm not sure) frame,  or your barely dressed baby in the crappiest stroller possible, or the fact that you were smoking in presence of said baby, but I didn't.   I was being as nice as I possibly could, which at that point was kind of a miracle considering I had been up for 7 hours and out in the sun for 5 of them, and on two hours sleep.  

In the future, remember that if you ever want to get something good at a garage sale, show up before 10.  Definitely before noon.  Remember that if you want someone to take something out to show you, don't be a condescending bitch.  Garage sales that constitute 12-14 tables full of items + furniture like ours do require more than a 30 minute pick-up, that's common sense.  I don't want to give up my entire afternoon for a garage sale just like you didn't want to waste your morning by coming earlier.  Finally, remember not to mess with me, because I will always win.    I love how as you were leaving, I loudly remarked to Brian "well, she wouldn't have purchased much anyway so at least we didn't lose many sales"  and I also changed my dry-erase board sign to say "closing soon"  so that there would be no additional confusion.    But I do enjoy your finishing touch-- how you pulled over to roll down the window, flip me the bird, and call me a bitch-- so at least I don't have to feel bad because I know that I didn't misjudge your character.

Sincerely yours,

P.S. -  It's a real shame you weren't nicer to me, because that baby really could have used the items I had to offer you.  (Even though you weren't asking for anything baby related when you showed up). Regardless, I feel sorry for the kid so  I probably would have even given you a lot of it for free.


Dear really nice lady who showed up after the too-skinny blonde girl,

You were a ray of sunshine.  Thank you for making my day.  We also really appreciated the rotisserie chicken you brought us.  It made a delicious lunch.  We hope you enjoyed your $10 discount on the pieces of furniture that we under-charged you $30 for in the first place. A little kindness goes a long way.

Sincerely yours,

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